Yesterday, while I was driving Andrew and Joseph to school, they were having their customary "Star Wars" battle in the back seat with Legos. They began arguing over when they could take "pit stops" in the battle.

"Let's just get back to the fight," Andrew said. "Then we don't have to argue about it."

Six-year-old logic.

Yet more spam subject lines in my work spam folder ...

You won't believe your eyes when you see your new penis size (This is a safe bet. However, wouldn't this have been more poetic if they'd left out "new"? Then it would be a poem with good meter.)

MS office cheap as chips! (Doritos? Lays? Fritos? Please be more specific.)

Hot sex with Viagra pills (I prefer to have sex with my husband, thanks, but good luck with that.)

Bomb (I am puzzled by this. Does this qualify as a bomb threat? Should I be alerting the authorities?)

Rather sizeable dick Evangeline (Yup, it's a Longfellow.)

Martha cooks in prison (Martha cooks everywhere. And forges her own cooking utensils, too, probably.)

This watch is inconceivable (Has it tried fertility drugs?)

I need your reply urgently (Oh, sorry. My reply is: No.)

U want to work stable? Just buy licensed windows here! (Yeah, because you can't trust those unlicensed stable windows.)

Special snake camera (For that snake's-eye perspective.)

Bigger penis won't be on TV but in your shorts! (I put away all my summer clothes last weekend, but I'll check when I get home and see if I overlooked this.)

Referral referral (Dear Sir, thank you for referring me to someone who could give me a referral. Yours truly, Betsy.)

What is the anabolic diet? (Beats me. Ask Marion Jones.)

Find the elephantine body part Kurt (Nice trunk, Kurt. Have a peanut.)

Vanessa Hudgens is nude somewhere. (Let's be clear about this: Everybody is nude somewhere at some point. Even those who should never be nude, ever, even alone in the shower. I'm just saying.)

Natalie Portman is sort of not really nude (You don't seem to get it; please see above.)

You don't need to envy guys with larger equipments anymore (Thank God. My neighbor owns a bigger dump truck and hydraulic hoist than I do, and I'm eaten up with jealousy.)

Can I trust you? (No. No, you can't. I'm terribly untrustworthy. Sorry.)

Women will never complain. (Oh, come now. You might just as well say, "Men will always load the dishwasher.")

Britney Spears displays her vagina (Yes, and just look where it got her.)

Susie's fat penis (Let's introduce Susie to Britney.)

He has much worthy blame laid (This is clearly an e-mail from Shakespeare. Or Yoda.)

Megadik is your new weapon (Stand back! She's got a Megadik!)

I adore Go Fug Yourself. I particularly adore this entry. I love these snarky girls and want to be their friends.

UPDATE: A co-worker suggested I send this to Bulletin Board, so I did. And yesterday we were the top item, online and in print. Hee.

Andrew and Kip and I were watching "The Next Iron Chef" the other night on the Food Network. Andrew watched for a bit, then he remarked, "Alton Brown (who hosts the show) is a good cook, just like Hell."

Kip and I looked at each other, puzzled. "Who is Hell?" I asked Andrew.

"You know, Hell," he said. "The guy on 'Hell's Kitchen.' He's a good cook too."

Gordon Ramsay has been rechristened in our house. His name is now Hell.

My answers are first; Kip's are second. Any questions about this soulmate thing?

Q. What is your salad dressing of choice?
A. Paul Newman's creamy Caesar. Or blue cheese. Or, in a pinch, Wishbone Italian.
A. Bleu cheese, Wishbone, Red Lobster Caesar

Q. What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
A. McDonald's. Or Subway. Yeah, I'm bourgeois.
A. McDonald's for the most part. Kinda depends on my mood. (Me too.)

Q. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
A. This varies. But one of my all-time favorites is Nonna's in Springfield, MO. And Steak and Ale. The one on the strip in Bloomington, MN. And not because of the food.
A. When it was around, Copeland's. Jensen's, Timberlodge, Steak and Ale.

Q. On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant?
A. 20 to 25 percent.
A. Ditto

Q. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
A. Cheese. Any kind.
A. Steak, or maybe steak.

Q. What are your pizza toppings of choice?
A. Pepperoni, green olives, onions and sausage.
A. Pepperoni, mushrooms, sausage

Q. What do you like to put on your toast?
A. Butter or jelly, but not both. And sometimes cinnamon and sugar.
A. Butter, honey, cinnamon & sugar, sometimes jam/jelly

Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?
A. At work, IFAI's boring logo. I'm not even sure what it is at home.
A. A picture of a tree-arbored path in late fall. (Work) I can't remember
either. :-P

Q. How many televisions are in your house?
A. Four.
A. Yes.

Q. What color is your iPod?
A. I don't have one. Yet. I hope Santa brings me one.
A. Same color as my parachute. (I suspect Santa has one in reserve for you, Betsy.)

Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
A. Right-handed.
A. Left-handed, right-footed. I trip a lot.

Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
A. Several molars before I had my braces put on; one wisdom tooth that had a cavity; splinters; a nail I stepped on when we lived in Colorado; and Andrew.
A. Teeth, a mole, a few nails, splinters, glass.

Q. When was the last time you had a cavity?
A. I'm sure I have some unfilled ones now, but the last time I had one filled was a year and a half ago. And that involved a root canal, too.
A. Good question.

Q. What is the last heavy item you lifted?
A. Three bags of books that I bought at the Eagan library sale on Saturday.
A. Andrew

Q. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
A. Yes, in third grade when I fell and smacked my face on a metal foot-scraping mat, resulting in brief unconsciousness and 15 stitches.
A. Yes. I ran into a parked car on my bicycle and went over the handlebars.

Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
A. Nope.
A. Not a chance.

Q. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
A. Katie. I've always loved that name.
A. I don't want to.

Q. What color do you think looks best on you?
A. Green or purple. And blue.
A. Blue or dark green

Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
A. No, not that I can recall, but I once found a rubber band in my melted butter at Red Lobster. When I pointed it out, we got our entire meal free.
A. Several bugs, gallons of river water, I'm sure several other examples.

Q. Have you ever saved someone's life?
A. Kip says I saved his. I don't know if that's true, but he's nice to say
so.
A. Five or six in "physical" terms, one more in not so tangible terms. Yes,
that would be Betsy.

Q. Has someone ever saved yours?
A. Kip saved mine. No question there.
A. Again, Betsy. :-) My dad when I was a wee lad choking on a hot dog.

Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
A. Hell yes. (Can I pick who?)
A. Probably for less. :-P

Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
A. Nope.
A. Only with anesthesia.

Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000?
A. Sure.
A. No question.

Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
A. Of course I would, if anyone were foolish enough to offer.
A. See above.

Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
A. Yes, if I could pace myself and not have to chug it.
A. Depends on the number of Scoville units

Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
A. No.
A. See above

Q: What is in your left pocket?
A: An unused Kleenex.
A: My keys, $.85, and until a few seconds ago, my hand.

Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
A. I haven't seen it, but I have strong doubts.
A. No idea, no opinion.

Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
A: Carpet.
A: Coincidence? Hardly.

Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower?
A: When I take showers, I stand. I usually take baths, during which I sit. Or lie.
A: Stand

Q: Could you live with roommates?
A: I have, but I'm not sure I still could.
A: If there was enough space.

Q: How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
A: None, but lots of more substantial sandals.
A: Two

Q: Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
A: I got pulled over in July for failing to pull into the left lane when there was an emergency vehicle parked on the right side of the road. I hate the cops in Eagan, MN.
A: A couple years ago. I got pulled over and the cop gave me a breathalyzer (which I passed). I don't even remember why I was pulled over.

Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?
A: I don't intend to grow up.
A: See above.

Q: Who is number 1 on your top 8?
A: I'm too old for MySpace.
A: I don't understand the question...

Q: Last friend you talked to?
A: Kip.
A: Betsy

Q: Last person to call you?
A: My mother.
A: Betsy

Q: Last person you hugged?
A: Andrew.
A: Betsy

Q: Favorite number?
A. 15.
A: 29 if we're talkin' roulette. Otherwise, 7

Q: Favorite season?
A: Fall.
A: Fall

Q: Favorite book?
A: "To Kill a Mockingbird"
A: The cumulative "Potter" series, "The Stand," anything with lots of gratuitous sex.

Q. Favorite Web site?
A. Maybe the Dakota County Library one. Or eBay. This is a hard question.
A: FARK

Q. Favorite month?
A. December.
A: September

Q. Favorite alcohol?
A. Sex on the Beach. And white zinfandel.
A: Cabernet sauvignon

Q: Currently missing someone?
A: My dad. Every day.
A: Betsy's dad. Every day.

Q: Current mood?
A: Optimistic.
A: Befuddled

Q: Currently listening to?
A: The soundtrack to "Across the Universe." Great movie, great Beatles remakes.
A: The clatter of keyboards in the cube farm at work.

Q: Currently watching?
A. My computer at work. But last night on TV, "The Next Iron Chef" and "Desperate Housewives."
A: Hmm, yet another of those strange coincidences. (Oh, and "Iron Chef America".)

Q: Currently worrying about?
A: Money. (Currently? Ha.)
A: Need I answer?

Q: First place you went this morning?
A: The kitchen for a cup of coffee.
A: The deck for a smoke.

Q: What can you not wait to do?
A. Eat lunch. I'm ravenous.
A: Get home and get horizontal for a while.

Q: What's the last movie you saw?
A: "Across the Universe."
A: Yup, that's the one.

Q: Do you smile often?
A: Yes.
A: :-)

Q: Are you a friendly person?
A: Most of the time. Unless you cut me off in traffic.
A: Yes, unless you're an incompetent Comcast technical rep. (Wait,there's something oxymoronic about that sentence..)

Q: Someone you wish you never met?
A: There were times in my life when I would have chosen someone, but I've gotten over it. Every kick is a boost.
A: I can't put it any better than that.