Friday, April 04, 2003

I am reading one of the funniest books ever: "Mike Nelson's Mind Over Matters." OK, it's a stupid title, and it deserves an OEA (Overinflated Ego Alert), but ... I started it on the bus on the way to work this morning and had to restrain my giggles. Here is an excerpt from an essay about being forced to visit Radio Shack to purchase a lamp cord (which he theorizes is the only reason to go to Radio Shack):


"Every other visitor to Radio Shack is either lost or is a very confused guy who thought the sign said CHICKEN SHACK. Yet with only their one slim consumer need, Radio Shack has built a network of 7,100 stores, or 'shacks,' around the world. Their corporate literature makes this claim: It is estimated that 94 percent of all Americans live or work within five minutes of a Radio Shack store or dealer. That actually sounds like a threat to me. It means that at any moment, they could mobilize their army of more than 7,100 odoriferous men with ill-fitting and stained shirts. Using nothing but lamp cord and cheap Korean-made remote-control cars, they could seize control of the civilian population, toss out our president, and declare one of their own 'Ham Radio Operator for Life.'"


Mike Nelson, it should be noted, is the former head writer for "Mystery Science Theater 3000," and took over for host Joel What's-His-Name for the last five seasons. I always preferred Joel as a host, but Mike Nelson is a stitch.


(According to the blurb on the back of the book, Mike's got a wife named Bridget Jones. Isn't that weird?)


One caveat: Don't read it on the bus unless you want to periodically burst into hysterical giggles and have people uneasily edge away from you. Although people often uneasily edge away from me even when I'm NOT reading something hilarious, so I don't know. Use your own judgment.

Wednesday, April 02, 2003

I heard on TV last night that the "average" woman uses her height in lipstick in a five-year period.


Alert the media: I am not average.


I have always hated lipstick. It feels like I have jam all over my mouth when I have it on. When I was a teenager (and beyond), my mother was always trying to get me to wear the stuff.


Coincidentally, a few days ago, my sister Jennifer — who also declines to wear it — said she'd heard that the average woman consumes between 4 and 8 pounds of lipstick during her lifetime.


I have this mental image now of women sitting around a table in a restaurant, taking little bites from tubes of lipstick. All different shades and, presumably, flavors.


Enjoy your lunch.

There's a wonderful quote in today's C.J. column in the Star Tribune. The item is about Prince, whose purple house in Chanhassen, Minn., was bulldozed to the ground about two weeks ago.


C.J. was discussing Prince's continued odd behavior with a woman who lives near the erstwhile purple house, and the woman said: "You don't have to try that hard when you're weird."


I defy anyone to argue with that statement.



Monday, March 31, 2003

I have been asked who, exactly, is on the previously mentioned list of Sexy Men Who, If They Showed Up At The Front Door Begging Me To Run Away With Them, I'd Have Quite A Dilemma On My Hands.

John Travolta. Hugh Grant. Sean Connery.

Really, that's about it. I think that's a good reflection on my husband.

Believe me, with my first husband, I would have had an entirely different list: Sexy Men Who, If They Showed Up At The Front Door Begging Me To Run Away With Them, I Would.

Come to think of it, I did.

Last night, Kip and I were watching TV, and for some reason, Kip advanced the theory that Peter Falk is sexy. (I really can't remember how the subject came up, and I prefer not to think too hard about it, frankly.)

I disagreed strenuously and vehemently. Peter Falk is NOT sexy, I declared. Peter Falk is unkempt. Peter Falk will forever be Columbo, and Columbo is not at the top of my list of Sexy Men Who, If They Showed Up At The Front Door Begging Me To Run Away With Them, I'd Have Quite A Dilemma On My Hands.

However, I informed Kip -- who looked really sorry that he'd ever embarked on this particular sea of discussion -- Lyle Lovett -- now he's sexy.

Remember when Julia Roberts surprised everyone by marrying Lyle Lovett? I totally got it, I said to my long-suffering husband. I completely understood.

"Yes," Kip replied instantly. "And when she dumped his ass? I totally got THAT."

I think all of us need professional help. Well, maybe not Peter Falk. He may be unkempt, but he seems pretty well-adjusted.

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