According to an e-mail that landed in my work inbox yesterday, Mariah Carey wants to have my baby.

He's not really a baby anymore; he's 7. And she can't have him. He's a big pain sometimes, and he leaves a trail of Legos everywhere he goes (which I step on at 3 a.m. on my way to the bathroom), and he never turns off lights, and he gets up way too early on weekends, and he's the pickiest eater on the planet, but I would miss him.

Sorry, Mariah.