It's spam time!

Don't agree to stay a loser in new year! (Okay, I don't agree. Do you hear me? I refuse.)

Why do you need Adobe software? (Why are you asking?)

Winning clam! (I assume they meant to write "claim," but I like "winning clam" much better.)

Keep your next date with certainty! (Only if certainty pays this time. I'm sick of always picking up the check.)

You've got cash! (No. No, I don't.)

Be vintage. (Is that a crack about my age, by cracky?)

She will certainly appreciate your new dick at its true value! (You mean like a hardware store? What's my dick doing there? Send it home immediately.)

A guy with a small penis is the most unattractive thing ever. (I disagree. Have you seen Joan Van Ark lately? Or, for that matter, Rumer Willis, who looks like the illegitimate spawn of Jay Leno and Quentin Tarantino?)

Here's Joan:



And here's Rumer:



CONGRATULATIONS! CONGRATULATIONS! CONGRATULATIONS! (Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!)

Sizeable Shlong Sylvester. (An updated, and naughtier, version of a Looney Tunes cartoon.)

You are nominated for a Bachelors. (Ugh, as long as it's not the TV show. That thing creeps me out.)

GO LAMPS! (Seems like an odd name for a team, but I'm down with it. Yay, Lamps!)

Mountainous Cock Millicent (Speaking of odd names ...)

Increase your tool for her complete satisfaction! (Yes, head on over to True Value. Ask for Dick.)

Take the advantage of a safe penis enlargement! (Um ... yeah.)

Take part in a sexual marathon with our qualified help. (As long as they're qualified, okay.)

Elongate your short sword to fit her scabbard better! (Ahoy! Avast! Prepare to be boarded!)

Be the best man to enter your woman's bedroom! (Listen, if you're just one of many, you've got bigger things to worry about, I'm thinking.)

Don't make your partner frustrated! (Yes. Put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher.)

Feel and smell more sexy to women. (It's called a shower. Look into it.)

Make yourself more bullhead attractive to others. (Someone thinks I'm a fish.)

Enormous monster phallus is every woman's dream! (Cockzilla, perhaps.)

Your orgasms could be stronger and longer with WonderCum. (This is not a superhero whom I would like to meet.)

Want to shave a few pounds? (Honey, if shaving actually makes you lose weight, you might want to consider waxing. Or electrolysis.)

The crazy give away! (One free nutcase with every order!)

Who should we talk to? (Is this a rhetorical question?)